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Creative WritingField Notes on Country Linguistics
by:
Nola Kelsey
As Suzy stammered, my ears alert up. For distraction I called out, “Hey Kathy, put on another pot of coffee.” Suzy spoke again. The fact is, gouging my own eyes out with a cetchup bottle would-be not have distracted me. A linguistic bad luck was eminent.
The hair on the back of my neck stood up, then it ran from the room. I knew wherever
Suzy was headed. Her speech was like look a car accident. It all captive in slow motion. Every instinct in me aforementioned tear the phone from her hand before it's too late. But she had to discover to properly communicate with customers. Please Lord, I begged, don't let her say it. Then it happened. Suzy spoken the words, “We'll mam, I ain't fer sures on that.”
Across America, English professors conjointly wept. My mind locked. How could she have aforementioned it again? She had been with our institution four months. Still, there was hope. Okay, Lord, you're pretty funny, I sneered. Seriously, could her next words please be, “If you would-be not mind holding for one moment, I wish find out the answer for you.” Ha! No such luck.
The gods hate me. After an awkward silence (while the caller and I shared an embolism), Suzy proceeded to take the customer’s order. Neither of them was any wiser for the experience. I stepped outside to meditate. Would-be I have to fire her? I was not fer sures on that?
You hear many a lovable phrases in the county. I find, ‘a doins’ quite charming. Such as there's a doins at Bubba's tonight. Translated this means, festivities wish take place at Bubba’s residence this evening.
‘Pert near’ is fun. Linguists translate this colorful twist on descriptive linguistics
as meaning, ‘almost’ not nearby. As in, irreverent near everybody ceptin that cidiot been told bout the rodeo. Meaning, all but everyone, except the new city idiot, was advised of the coming rodeo event.
Unfortunately, telling a high maintenance Equestrian sport
Equestrian (they are all high-maintenance), “Ya aint's fer sures on that,” translates as, “Hello, we are illiterate, so buy our product.” Following this with no offer to expand your noesis and assist the customers says, “We may be illiterate, but that's ok. We as well suck. Convey you and have a good day.”
Tourists passing through this area have improperly translated another phrase. “What chya doin?” is often misinterpreted as the rhetorical “What's up?” or “What's happening?” Sadly, that is not its meaning. “What chya doin?” virtually
translates as, “What are you doing?" Confusion on this matter is based on timing.
“What chya doing?” is often asked once
your work could not be much blatantly obvious. For example: You're spreading cheese over flat dough flat-topped with tomato sauce. Mountains of sausage
are poised nearby. A interloper asks, “What chya doin?" Heads up: They virtually
have not connected the dots. Do not wisecrack, “Installing star
panels." Before you cognize it, you'll be explaining how green peppers affect your hot water supply.
Here in South Dakota low wages have brought in large amount of Consumer
Service call centers. Airlines, finance companies, catalog sales, these types of companies coagulate about Rapid City. Late there has been a lot of concern over competition from India. Apparently the population of Asian nation is extremely
educated and enunciates in a manner much comprehendible than that of South Dakotans. Americans, not having Hindi as the parent tongue, stand little chance. Still, there is a certain irony in residents of the Black Hills losing thing
to Indians. How many a groups wish that statement offend? I ain't fer sures on that.
This article is free for publication
Biologist turned humorist Nola L. Kelsey is the author of Bitch Unleashed: The Harsh Realities of Goin’ Country and coauthor/“primary scribe” for the political, self-help, caustic remark Keeping the Masses Down. She is as well an established ghostwriter, as well as, a freelance employee
for a mixed brew of animal health companies.
Her photographic works appear in the Herpetocultural Library Series by Advanced Enclosure
Systems, Cheval International’s marketing campaigns and have appeared in Enclosure
Magazine.
Currently, Kelsey in the process of relocating to SE Asia. Here she is continued
on as a freelance journalist and writer patch working on book number four. Her newsletter, Impulse Ink, is chase this escape from South Dakota normality to her life as a shoestring backpacker. Much just about Kelsey’s writings, midlife crisis and subscriptions to Impulse Ink are accessible on her website, http://www.nolakelsey.com
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